Page 15// This Time Next Year
Its October 15th already and the month is half over.
I have always loved this time of year. Always loved the holidays. Waited and planned and anticipated from August on. Lately its been different. The last couple years I’ve started to get this feeling in my stomach that isn’t quite a pit, but something like it. Maybe it comes back to all these things I plan and do are based on home and no matter how I try to do it, I just can’t wrap my mind around this house being my home. Its hard to feel sold on something when one foot is out the door already. I’ve tried. I’ve hung things up. And I know that’s not the important part. But I am a home person. I have painted and changed light fixtures, but when the lights go out at night, its still temporary and I’m still moving. Its hard to invest.
Next year I want it to be different. I don’t want a feeling of sadness to set in on August 1st. I want to be in a better place; emotionally, spiritually, mentally. When October comes around next year I want to welcome it with a high five and a “boy, did I miss you” hug. I’m doing my best. My kids need to see me baking them molasses cookies and setting out Halloween stories. They need me to make costumes and cut out construction paper pumpkins. And I will. But all the while, the fog is still there. My heart isn’t all the way in it.
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I hope that it’s enough for today.
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Thankful for today:
1. fall projects even if I’m not into it
2. inspiration from other bloggers
3. time to write
4. the first sip of coffee in the morning
5. quick, but delicious breakfasts
6. a nap in my future
7. making conscious efforts to be a better person, a better mom
8. history projects
9. kids that understand
10. fall, nonetheless
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You know what I love? That even though you're not feeling it you still do it. That's pushing through.
Tell me about the quick and delicious breakfasts…please. I need some more ideas for my picky Eunice 6th grader. Hoping you find some hominess this month.
I pray next year you will be settled and in a new place next August 1.
It was hard for me to ever feel settled and enjoy my home, when we were going through such a stressful time. When we moved,I felt like I could start over and really start making memories and have fun with my kids, because so many of my stresses were gone.
Been there way too long myself. So much of life is on hold, literally packed in boxes, waiting for "what's next" to become clear…Oddly enough, THIS is next and has been for a while. We DO need to be living this life, even when our heart just isn't there. ๐
adore you.
Im not sure if this helps but when my boys were younger and we lived in an apartment I kinda felt that way. Waiting for the next thing. I could list all the things I hated about my apartment, which was on the 3rd floor, and had a view of the apartment across the street. But every time my boys and I drive by there, they say how much they loved it. They start talking about memories, of baking, cooking, thunder storms, crime (had to throw that in there), late night movies, Christmas decorations, feeling so cozy cause it was only 1100 sq ft. And they even mention those annoying stairs. But looking back on it, they have the best memories there. They loved their home, they didn't complain at the time, but I was certain that they just didn't know how crappy that place was. And I was right. They didn't. They only saw how special I (my hubs too, but mainly me) made it. It's a fun, special chapter in my family's life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Also, I grew a ton in my relationship with The Lord, my boys saw me and they also began to trust and grow in so many ways. So hopefully if not now, someday you'll see that all your efforts and struggles will produce a special, memorable time for you and your family. But Lord have mercy, if we ever do apartment living again, I would pray we aren't on the 3rd floor!
Hi. It's my first time commenting. I've followed your blog for a while and have always enjoyed it.
I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you're feeling. Circumstances are different but I've been in a season where I just feel blah.
I started reading Stephen Altrooge's book, "The greener grass conspiracy:finding contentment on your side of the fence." I recommend it to you. It's shown me that .y happiness have been placed on people/ circumstances instead of on God. I hope this doesn't come off as preachy, it's just that the book has been helpful to me and while I was reAding it I thought I should tell you about it. It's on Amazon if your interested. Praying for better times for you.
There is beauty in brokenness. He redeems the years of the locusts. Your heart and spirit shine.
thank you!
xox
Susan
@SugarBeans.org
Again – I know *just* how you feel. When I was in this place a few years ago – losing a home to foreclosure through a LONG list of circumstances – and being forced to move into a house right next door, right before Thanksgiving, I felt the same way. And I couldn't love the new house, knew it would never be home, my heart wasn't in it & yet I was desperate for normal for my boys. Four years later I've realized – our kids aren't nearly as hard on us as we are on ourselves.
Don't worry – I'm not gonna be that mama that tells you to just buck up, be happy with what you've got, it'll be fine, the kids don't notice, everything happens for a reason – they DO know what's going on, and sometimes things just happen (this is a fallen world!) but we can rest in the faith that God is holding it all & honestly, REALLY, for our littles home is wherever mama & daddy are!
I know it's hard, and it's okay to feel that. I lost a year because I was too caught up in the "what ifs" to live life. I was sure I had ruined my boys! But He redeems the days, I know it's true! Hang in there Mama!
(And sorry for this super long, rambling comment!)