Page 14//A Conscious Decision


Being a mom is seriously intense business.  I find myself staying up late because the calm and quiet and no one needing me is so nice.  I constantly calculate in my mind how much sleep I’ll get if I go to bed now, or now, or now.  Last night I carefully calculated 6.5 hours.  Not the suggested 8, and where I feel really good at, but still sufficient.

And then the baby decided to get up 2 hours early. 

Even though I pulled her into bed with me and tried to snuggle her back to sleep, it was patchy and uncomfortable sleep.

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I feel like every single day I have to make a conscious decision to let circumstances like this break me or not.  Because going on little sleep can easily break you.  I don’t want to let it.  Little sleep paired with the demands of the day and extra stress that’s been piled on lately can make me feel like I’m drowning really fast.  But yet, I don’t want to be the mom my kids remember as a perpetual crab.

With homeschooling, a baby, and four total kids that leaves very little time not only for fun things, but even just daily things like a workout or a little bit of quiet time in the morning or sitting down to read a book at night.  I made a comment on another mom’s status on Facebook not long ago, her status being something about her staying up late to read and have some alone time.  I commented how I was doing the same thing and how I felt like I needed that time so badly.  Another woman commented after us and sassed us hardcore about how this is not the time in our lives for “me time” and how our kids will be grown before we know it and then we’ll have plenty of me time.

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I totally disagree. 

I think every stage in life requires me time.  Everyone requires time alone.  Constantly being around people, never having a quiet moment alone, being demanded of every waking hour is not healthy.  I haven’t figured out the balance of when to have this time, but I know I need it.  And I know I’m a better mom for it.  Maybe my me time will be irregular for a while till Vera is older and out of our bedroom.  But telling a mom she’s not going to get a moment to refresh for 18 years is sort of like explaining a job from hell that will make you jump off a building.  And I don’t see motherhood like that.

But back to today: I’m going on about 5 hours plus about a half hour of uncomfortable patchy sleep.  Jarrod is off today.  I have kids to teach.  Baby clothes to sort through.  And meals to make.  I don’t really want to do any of it to be honest.  I would like to go back to bed, get up after a few hours, eat a fancy lunch, and workout.  Maybe in 18 years…I’ll hold that thought.

Thankful for today:
1. Jarrod home today
2. a new fall candle: toasted almond!
3. costume planning
4. an excuse to get my sewing machine out
5. a hilarious costume planned for Vera…I hope I can pull it off!
6. homemade chicken noodle soup on a rainy day
7. the leaves intense colors right now
8. finding a tote full of Sophie’s clothes that fit Vera right now
9. a clean kitchen to wake up to
10. waking up early, even though not the way I wanted to…waking up early always makes me feel better than sleeping late


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  1. I too feel the same way at night. It's like I get this renewed energy and stay up sooo late, then can barely peel myself out of bed in the morning. The little things can make or break us, I am so learning that lessons with all the babes at home now. Attitude is EVERYTHING!!

  2. girl you are absolutely right on!
    it is needful at every season and i have had several seasons. some adult children…now teens and grand babies!
    being a mom in THIS day and age with all the technology and stuff is beyond hard.
    i feel i am drowning most days too. can't wait for the next season…ha!
    you hang in there..keep breathing. you WILL make it. take breaks..stay up late if you need to..take naps. one of the most helpful things to me right now is being right here in THE day..not tomorrow and not yesterday…i am freakishly crazy about living in the future..woryying or the past and dwelling…but this present stuff is really really taking a huge weight you! xo

  3. I can't stop thinking about the lady who left a sassy remark on facebook. I really, truly, whole-heartedly,…make that 1 million % DO NOT GET mean people.

    Being a mama is wonderful and freakishly HARD work, all at the same time. EVERYONE needs a break once and again.

    I can SO relate to staying up extra late…I did this every night of every year that I homeschooled. Now that they're in school, and I'm getting some down time, I'm crashing at 10. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Oh being a mom is so hard. We have eight and now that the youngest is in school I still stay up way to late just because it is so nice and quiet!! Even with the kids all in school now I am busy during the day helping hubby with farm stuff and I do have peace and quiet during the day but I still love the nighttime when all the kids are sleeping and hubby working late ๐Ÿ™‚ Love that time. Don't let people get ya down. Do what works for you!!

  5. I totally agree with these other mommas. If we never recharge our own batteries, then what do we have left to give our families? I certainly don't want to give them my leftovers when I'm running on fumes. Balance is a tough thing to figure out. It will get easier. Praying for you!

  6. You are wise to take time to refuel and refresh!
    I am loving your journal entries and the heart-felt sentiments.
    Blessings fellow homeschool mama,

  7. I can't imagine going through life without "me time." It is so important for us Mama's to take time to ourselves and regroup. Have fun sewing!

  8. I totally agree. I stay up late all the time just to be alone in the silence. If I wake up early, my son will hear me and get up so late at night is all I have. I cherish it but often regret it the next morning ๐Ÿ˜‰ when I am so tired that I can't keep my eyes open. I wish there was a great way to balance it!

  9. Love this; and that sure was a sassy comment. At those moments, it seems important to remember that life can be short and fleeting…and if we wait until the kids are grown, who knows how much time we really will have then???

    Love your heart and mind.

  10. lol! Maybe in 18 years….I'm sorry, but I'm actually LAUGHING!

    Every season calls for balance. Motherhood is beautiful and hard and awesome.

    You clearly get it and your kids are very blessed to call you Mom!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ For one thing, you're trying to enjoy life WITH them, NOW, not counting down the days until they're 18.

  11. There are many of your sentiments that I could have written myself. My baby is five months old and I have been having a hard time adjusting to our new normal. I do the exact same thing win sleep…staying up late because I have the chance to work on something I want, undisturbed, then not getting up early the next morning and feeling in a funk. Everyone needs a little down time, especially moms of little babes who are on the clock day and night. It is hard giving your very best. All day and then having to do it during the night hours too. People don't understand why having a set and early bedtime for my kids is so important, but I am with them all day every day. If they go to bed when I go to bed then I literally never get a break. I'm not complaining, I love homeschool (most of the time) and this is the life I have chosen, but a couple of hours of solitude or silence is needed each night for my sanity. I wish you the best as you navigate and figure out your new normal. I'm still working on mine.

  12. A completely agree. I tried for a long time to live in the world of "someday" I'll have 10 minutes to myself again after my little ones were born. Feeling like I was falling short every day that I was wishing for bed time so the quiet could refresh me. I wasted so much time wishing away my days. Then one day a friend said that I was doing myself and my children no good by "not" taking a few minutes everyday for myself. To "not" wait till the end of the day for my refresh. So I started quiet time (naps)every day. Even after they were past nap time, they needed to stay on their beds, read or have silent play for 30 minutes. It was a wonderful thing for me. I did not do laundry, dishes or dust. I read, I took a bath, I just sat in the sun on the front porch and wrote in my journal. It gave me time to decompress from the morning, look forward to the rest of the day and I stopped wishing away the days. There were days that life would interrupt with appointments, sick bellies and cranky fits, but the next day I was back to our routine. Now, my daughters are 21 and 16, so there is a lot more "me time" but I know for a fact, for me, quiet time was a life saver and made for a more attentive mom for my girls! We all just have to find our groove, even if it takes some time to figure it out. Praying you find that groove that works best for you!

  13. Ugh… Lack of sleep is the worst in my book! It completely changes my mood, and not for the better. I think when you homeschool and tend to your kids all day, it is important to decompress. ๐Ÿ™‚

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