Page 13// Old Me
I’ve been comparing myself lately to a person I feel like I used to be two years ago. I know that really that its not completely true, but a lot of days it feels like I’ve lost that old me. The old me with a regular schedule, a daily run, a bi-monthly cleaning lady, kids in music lessons, connections, drop-by friends, a backyard, and most of all regularity and routine. I was looking for a certain project and I happened upon Kelle Hampton’s blog, which I read regularly anyway. But what caught my eye the other day is how much she reminds me of me. She loves to be a mom, she embraces each season, she loves life, she throws parties, and pours everything she’s got into her babies. Its not that I don’t really do those things anymore…its just that when I do, since we’ve moved, it feels like something is missing. Like its just not as good anymore. Like there’s just a slice of sad mixed in. Maybe its the family that’s missing from the gatherings. Maybe it just feels different because I don’t know where half my stuff is, so our house doesn’t feel like it did…the regular memory-evoking decorations are buried somewhere in a box. But maybe things would feel different regardless of where we were just because my kids are older. I don’t know. But if I’m being honest, I feel like a piece of me is missing…and I so much want it back.
Yesterday, with just three kids because Jack and Jarrod are camping, we got groceries, did chores together, made molasses cookies, talked about Halloween costumes. All those regular things. But yet, something’s missing. I can’t quite pinpoint it but there’s a miss somewhere.
These are the things that are eating me up right now. I don’t want to over think things, but I don’t want to disregard how I feel either.
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Thankful for today:
1. quiet Sunday mornings
2. sleeping in today
3. making pancakes for my kids
4. Noah and Sophie getting time together
5. cheap pumpkins at Aldi
6. You’ve Got Mail…every single fall
7. fall smells: pumpkin, cinnamon
8. handwritten notes
9. recorded thoughts
10. dollar bills with glitter from the Tooth Fairy
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This used to really get me down too. The "me" i had remembered and envisioned when I first became a mom, started slipping away.
For some reason i lost the desire to do the fun things I used to do with the kids or our home. I think I was getting used to our circumstances and grieving a bit the old "me."
I struggled for about 3 years trying to figure out the "new me." The "me" that evolved from all our stress and blessings mixed into about a 5 year time period really defined who I am now.
Since homeschooling, i feel like I have found that fit. I finally feel so happy and content with life. If you would have asked me even 1 year ago, if I thought HSing would bring me this feeling, i would have thought you were crazy!
My point is, you will never exactly be that person you were 2 years ago. Your heartbreaking, fearful, and happy moments define who you are becoming. Who you are meant to be. It is gonna be great and you will feel better than ever! Just let God do His work on your heart.
You are really rocking this honest and raw thing. It's getting my own wheels spinning. So encouraging of you to share your heart with us. Your doing good Mama.
"Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day."
xo
It'll be so cool to see what time brings.
Loving peeking into your heart…thanks for allowing us to.
I have been where you are. it's like being caught in a holding pattern. Not moving forward but not landing either. Sometimes it takes just a decision to shift your focus that can create some balance.
For me right now, it is acceptance of where I am, the courage to make some changes to support that and the wisdom to know that if I do have to come back and change my mind, I can. ๐
Hugs!
Hugs for you Alicia… All the way from Aberdeen ๐ It misses you guys!
Trying to embrace new and different is hard, but can be so rewarding. God Bless. Hugs, Marty
Oh friend, I know *just* what you mean. I went through a period like that a few years ago, due to a lot of circumstances (I won't go into here) that were out of our control. I'm on the other side now, & still lament that my boys are older, and what I feel like we "missed".
YOU are one of those inspiring people to me – I look at the things you do with your family & I'm inspired to bring my A-game! Prayers! xo