My palms are sweaty, but I know its right.
My struggle with blogging over these last month has finally come to a head: blog truthfully or curtsey sweetly and leave the stage.
I’ve struggled over the last long months whether or not to keep this blog open. I feel like I’ve lost my voice…both to my circumstances and not wanting to be mistaken for Debbie Downer on repeat. After seeing countless “31 Days” announcements and after countless feelings of “I wish I had something valid to say right now and I would rock me some 31 days posts,” I’m done with that.
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It hit me at 11:30pm last night that either I’m going to blog truthfully or go home and yes, I can do a 31 day challenge and commit to blogging about one things for 31 days but its not for reasons you’d think…or on subjects you’d think.
I would love nothing more than to write 31 fun posts on motherhood or how I am loving this sweet time with Vera. But I can’t. Its not in me right now. This is not the season for me to write such things, as much as I’d love to, I can’t. If you wouldn’t mind leaning in close so I can whisper something to you…..
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I am in the thick of undoubtedly the most trying time of my life thus far.
I know many of you have been through worse…much much worse, and I am so sorry for that. But this here, this here is my story. I’m sure there will be harder things that come along. But right now, after months and months of one hard thing after another hard thing, I can say with certainty that this is the most trying time of my/our lives.
So back to last night…it hit me that yes, I do have a lot to say…its just not your typical blog post-type things to say. This dark place I’m in seems like it should be kept more private, but I’m feeling a pull to do just the opposite.
So I present to you (one day late) 31 pages from my journal. Every day I will share exactly what is on my heart, respecting the fact that I know very well the fine line between seeming overly perfect and oversharing. I’m hoping to land somewhere right in that grey area. I have things to say, my journal is full of them. And I’m choosing to rip those pages out and type them in here….for 31 days. I hope you understand how raw I am…that I might swear and say things you don’t like very well. But its my journal after all. The other thing I hope you understand that I’m doing this for two reasons:
1. because if I don’t, my blog will die because I can’t be fake and this is the only way right now
2. also, its cheap therapy. For me. 🙂
I know I’ll probably lose readers…but I might just gain a few out of the love for realness.
Please listen. Please read. Please love me where I’m at right now.
All the links for each “page” will be right here:
Page 1// October 1, 2013 Far Away and Close Together
Page 2// October 2, 2013 All Consuming and Horrible
Page 3// October 3, 2013 Don’t Be Ruined
Page 4// October 4, 2013 A Vicious Cycle
Page 5// October 5, 2013 11 Years
Page 6// October 6, 2013 To Be Satisfied
Page 7// October 7, 2013 Nothing Wasted
Page 8// October 8, 2013 Irony Abounds
Page 9// October 9, 2013 Two Years In
Page 10// October 10, 2013 Live Each Season
Page 11// October 11, 2013 Last August
Page 12// October 12, 2013 See the Friday Night Lights
Page 13// October 13, 2013 Old Me
Page 14// October 14, 2013 A Conscious Decision
Page 15// October 15, 2013 This Time Next Year
Page 16// October 16, 2013 Winning the War
Page 17// October 17, 2013 Spiritual Thoughts
Page 18// October 18, 2013 Notes for Next October
Page 19// October 19, 2013 Eleanor
Page 20// October 20, 2013 Missing Right Now
Page 21// October 21, 2013 Pandora’s Box
Page 22// October 22, 2013 Dear Vera
Page 23// October 23, 2013 Just Say Thanks
Page 24// October 24, 2013 Things I’m Thinking
Page 25// October 25, 2013 The Root
Page 26// October 26, 2013 Fail
Page 27// October 27, 2013 No Words
Page 28// October 28, 2013 Stay Strong
Page 29// October 29, 2013 Acceptance and Change
Page 30// October 30, 2013 Four Simple Goals
Page 31// October 31, 2013 Flee or Face It