31 Pages from My Journal: Listen & Read

My palms are sweaty, but I know its right. 

My struggle with blogging over these last month has finally come to a head: blog truthfully or curtsey sweetly and leave the stage.

I’ve struggled over the last long months whether or not to keep this blog open.  I feel like I’ve lost my voice…both to my circumstances and not wanting to be mistaken for Debbie Downer on repeat.  After seeing countless “31 Days” announcements and after countless feelings of “I wish I had something valid to say right now and I would rock me some 31 days posts,” I’m done with that. 

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It hit me at 11:30pm last night that either I’m going to blog truthfully or go home and yes, I can do a 31 day challenge and commit to blogging about one things for 31 days but its not for reasons you’d think…or on subjects you’d think. 

I would love nothing more than to write 31 fun posts on motherhood or how I am loving this sweet time with Vera.  But I can’t.  Its not in me right now.  This is not the season for me to write such things, as much as I’d love to, I can’t.  If you wouldn’t mind leaning in close so I can whisper something to you…..

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I am in the thick of undoubtedly the most trying time of my life thus far. 

I know many of you have been through worse…much much worse, and I am so sorry for that.  But this here, this here is my story.  I’m sure there will be harder things that come along.  But right now, after months and months of one hard thing after another hard thing, I can say with certainty that this is the most trying time of my/our lives. 

So back to last night…it hit me that yes, I do have a lot to say…its just not your typical blog post-type things to say.  This dark place I’m in seems like it should be kept more private, but I’m feeling a pull to do just the opposite. 

So I present to you (one day late) 31 pages from my journal.  Every day I will share exactly what is on my heart, respecting the fact that I know very well the fine line between seeming overly perfect and oversharing.  I’m hoping to land somewhere right in that grey area.  I have things to say, my journal is full of them.  And I’m choosing to rip those pages out and type them in here….for 31 days.  I hope you understand how raw I am…that I might swear and say things you don’t like very well.  But its my journal after all.  The other thing I hope you understand that I’m doing this for two reasons:
1. because if I don’t, my blog will die because I can’t be fake and this is the only way right now
2. also, its cheap therapy.  For me. 🙂

I know I’ll probably lose readers…but I might just gain a few out of the love for realness.

Please listen.  Please read.  Please love me where I’m at right now.

All the links for each “page” will be right here:

Page 1// October 1, 2013 Far Away and Close Together
Page 2// October 2, 2013 All Consuming and Horrible
Page 3// October 3, 2013 Don’t Be Ruined
Page 4// October 4, 2013 A Vicious Cycle
Page 5// October 5, 2013 11 Years
Page 6// October 6, 2013 To Be Satisfied
Page 7// October 7, 2013 Nothing Wasted
Page 8// October 8, 2013 Irony Abounds
Page 9// October 9, 2013 Two Years In
Page 10// October 10, 2013 Live Each Season
Page 11// October 11, 2013 Last August
Page 12// October 12, 2013 See the Friday Night Lights
Page 13// October 13, 2013 Old Me
Page 14// October 14, 2013 A Conscious Decision
Page 15// October 15, 2013 This Time Next Year
Page 16// October 16, 2013 Winning the War
Page 17// October 17, 2013 Spiritual Thoughts
Page 18// October 18, 2013 Notes for Next October
Page 19// October 19, 2013 Eleanor
Page 20// October 20, 2013 Missing Right Now
Page 21// October 21, 2013 Pandora’s Box
Page 22// October 22, 2013 Dear Vera
Page 23// October 23, 2013 Just Say Thanks
Page 24// October 24, 2013 Things I’m Thinking
Page 25// October 25, 2013 The Root
Page 26// October 26, 2013 Fail
Page 27// October 27, 2013 No Words
Page 28// October 28, 2013 Stay Strong
Page 29// October 29, 2013 Acceptance and Change
Page 30// October 30, 2013 Four Simple Goals
Page 31// October 31, 2013 Flee or Face It

21 Comments

  1. um. i might be one of the new readers who likes real. though, i am very sorry this is such a trying time for you. i've read your posts (backwards-:) and your writing voice is so authentic. go on. keep it real. it's beautiful. xo

  2. I'm a little late in the game but I'll be here reading! As a Christian community we need to get better about naming things as they are so that we can examine them in the light of the gospel.

    P.S. What you are saying to your kids when they see your frustration is good. Speaking as one driven to the therapy chair by postpartum depression these past months the worst thing we can do as parents is "sweep everything under the rug". Continue to give your children words to interpret and name what is happening in your heart in front of them; glory will come from it.

  5. I'm new to your blog by way of Farmgirl Paints and I LOVE and appreciate "being real" more than words can express. Can't wait to dive in and hopefully we can encourage each other along in this life.

  7. I'm sorry your year has been hard too. It sucks so bad to be stuck in the murk. Here's to a better season for both of us!

  11. Well my friend I think this is exactly where you need to be. No holding back. Raw and real. I hope you spill out every little thing and that in return your cup will overflow. That despite the hard something good will surface. Btw you are an awesome writer. I know the story and I'm riveted. Love you.

  15. You are being so brave! Good for you sharing where you're at – real is the ONLY way to be! Love you. This is definitely one reader who will still be here! xoxo

  17. This year has been the most challenging, hurtful year of my life. When I got over the "poor me" stage, I looked around me and saw that everyone EVERYONE has problems and hard times and even if I don't think their's compares to mine in severity, it hurts them just as much. I applaud you for coming forth with your pain. We need to let out our frustrations and we need to be there for others who are feeling the same. We need to listen and support. I wish you all the best 🙂

  18. Love your idea!!! It is so easy to be quiet on your blog when life is a royal MESS….But, it is really sad to have things die too. Share the pages, write whatever you will….We get it. We've been there. We're as "here" for you as we can be from wherever we are.

    And…I can at least speak for myself on this one – it's a good thing I'll be reading from my couch, otherwise you might have to see me cry before these 31 days are over! 🙂

  19. Girl you have been such a blessing to me! I think you will rock the blogworld with a healthy dose of reality and that is awesome!! God is good and he is working up something big for you, I promise! I will be eager to read and encourage you these next 31 days.

  21. Hi Alicia, I think you're brave, bareing your innermost thoughts and soul for all to see. I'm experiencing trying times right now too but I'm kinda hiding away, not feeling like I have the strength to reach out. Not today anyway. So I really applaud you and you definitely won't lose this reader. Ermmm… am I supposed to be able to just click on each page number/date? because it's not happening on my computer. But then maybe my computer is being awkward! Sending hugs from England 🙂

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