What I Remember about Giving Birth….
Last night, Jarrod and I took a tour of the hospital. We’d never been to the hospital here and I’m so glad we went to check it out. It was nice. There were mountain views in some of the rooms. I saw the food trays…they looked good. There were pools in some of the rooms, making water birth a viable option if you wanted it to be.
My upper lip started sweating when I spotted those blue spongy things tucked under the delivery bed where your legs rest while you’re pushing and then the tour guide describing labor positions, I felt my throat closing in. I was the veteran mom in the group…hell, I should have been leading the group, passing out booklets and telling all those newbies what was what.
It wasn’t like that.
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It wasn’t like that because I remember all too vividly what giving birth is like.
Walking in at 1,789 pounds,
the ear temperature checks,
the I.V.,
the hospital gown that falls off your shoulders,
that fetal monitor thing they strap on your belly that is so uncomfortable,
the beeping machines,
the chipped ice in those Hondo plastic cups,
the squeaking nurse’s shoes and how they talk so quietly but you still want to punch them in the face,
the doctor breezing in to save the day after you’ve been through hell and back and how you want to punch him in the face too.
Then the tour guide went into the after-care:
the giant pads you could duct tape together and sail home in,
those stretchy Grannie panties (although for some reason I really really like those),
the squirt bottle cleaning tool,
Tucks,
and the antiseptic spray,
and
and
and…
I’ve had a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy…more than I can remember having with the others. I haven’t done this in five years. I was only 25 last go-around and maybe because I’m 30(!!) now, I’m not sure why, but I’ve thought about almost every scenario of something going wrong.
What if this?
What if that?
I’ve thought and rethought about all those things listed above and sweated over these things. I’ve remembered over and over how I got to be my sister’s birth coach and how horrible her doctor was and what an awful birth experience she had. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night thinking thinking thinking…
Being in that hospital last night made me remember all those things about birth so vividly. BUT…and you mamas know there’s a “but”…I remembered something else last night. Laying in the tub before bed last night I remembered some other things about giving birth…
…that smell,
the weight,
that feel of your newborn that’s never seen the light of day except for right then, with you…on your chest…him looking into your eyes and you into his.
The hot tears that roll down and fall on your baby’s little misshapen head,
that feeling of utter relief when the shoulders pass and you know it is out,
hearing that first squeaky cry,
looking up at the face during those last hard pushes that has been there with you through it all, telling you how brave you are, how beautiful, how strong, how amazing.
Watching that same man get nervous to meet his new baby too, wiping his sweaty hands on the back of his pants over and over and over…
…that moment when the doctor announces, “it’s a ………” at the very end of nearly ten months of wondering.
Inspecting that newbie’s ears and eyes and how much hair they have…
staring
staring
staring at their face for hours until the others come in to meet their new brother or sister and seeing their faces grow older before your very eyes…but not in a sad way, in a happy way…a this-is-how-it’s-meant-to-be way. Seeing those older kids in a new, strange place with plenty to explore and check out, but none of it matters because there’s a special bundle waiting to meet them that they’ve been waiting months and months to see too.
It’s scary, birth is.
Whether it’s the first or the forth…it just is.
But I can’t recall even one mom saying she’s rather give her baby back than relive that I.V. or those giant maxi pads…not even one.
I have anxieties…even after doing this three times, but its funny how even those memories wash out the scary stuff. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable and a little freaky…but I also know the end result.
And that is really really worth it all.
This is awesome. Couldn't have said it better myself. And I love those granny panties too! Ha! Thinking of you, praying for you, love you! Hugs!
What a beautiful memory to revisit – i was blessed with four of those amazing experiences and you really hit the highlights! May God bless you and His newest gift of life and love! Peace
I am praying it's a piece of CAKE!! You are an old pro now and you need a moment of WONDERFUL. Praying for that for you sweetie.
this is such a sweet post…made me get all teary! so excited to hear news of your little one! blessings on you!
meagan
i remember just singin praise songs in my head and saying to myself over and over again, "women have been doing this since they were created, we can do this." I'll say a prayer for you and baby <3
Very well said! thank you for sharing your heart and reminding us mothers that the pain is bittersweet.
Blessings….
You are so strong. It's been 5 years since your last little baby and you have shown nothing but skill mama!! Feeling stress and anxiety is normal, but I really feel it is as you said before…like riding a bike:) the best thing to do is have the ability to adapt and you are the queen of this. I love how during the uncertainties of life you aren't afraid to feel it and turn to God for answers. I admire you greatly in this regard. Congrats and enjoy these last few days of uninterrupted sleep;)
This made me all weepy! you hit the nail on the head. It is such a jumble off emotions. I was so excited and terrified when I was pregnant with the twins. Not only was I nervous they were going to come early I was nervous I would get one out and than have to have a c-section! Not something I wanted to experience and thankfully didn't have too! Good luck and try to take in all those emotions, especially if this is your last. journal it all, I wish I would have! God bless and I can't wait to find out what your little spring chick is…boy or girl?!?!
I was the most anxious with my fourth, too, but it was the BEST labor experience I had–and I did it naturally! (Not that I didn't ask for drugs . . . it was just too late when I did!) I will be praying for you that all goes quickly and you can get to those wonderful first newborn moments as quickly as possible 🙂
you nailed it! all the positives all the negatives….all worth it. i'm so excited for you, you will do amazing.
Even after having 7 babies, the last 6 of which I birthed at home, it was just as scary as the first one. You will do great. Cngratulations on having another little one to love.
You will do great Mama! It's so crazy how you forget all the pain and other stuff as soon as you see your sweet baby! xoxo
amen, sister. it's all scary and awesome and pure craziness. i am so excited for you and your family to welcome this new baby!
the moment that slippery little body
splashes out into the capable hands
of whoever's down there
is one (or four) of my very favorite moments
with my daughter
I actually got to slip my hands
under her arms
and pull her out
and onto my belly
it is the weirdest
and most amazing thing
and I even sort of envy you the beautiful pain
that is so worth it
just for that new baby scent
and delicious blanketed bundle
you will ace it mama!
{alison}
you had me giggling and now i'm all teary. 🙂
you totally nailed the emotions…the feelings, the highs and lows.
it's going to be so wonderful!
i can't wait to see those first pics.
it just makes my heart skip a beat and fill with JOY for you.
love you, sister.
i wish i could walk in to that hospital room when it's all over(or just begun!) and squeeze your neck and hug each and every one of your kiddos.
mmmmhhhhmmmmmm….the smell of new baby is so wonderful.
xoxo
So true…all of it! I can't wait for you all to meet your sweet bundle of pure joy. And, the grannie panties are kind of cool. lol
I had my second at 38…I think it is natural to feel the stress and anxiety….it is natural. We are moms, it is what we naturally do, WORRY! You are so ready…as are those cuties who will be there to help shape the life of their newest sibling!
You made me think too…I still remember my son's birth 14 years ago so well…staring at the criss-cross of the ceiling tiles….lots of VERY dark hair….long fingers and beautiful lips….
Thanks for letting me relive…
Truth here…every word. I would be nervous too, but that reward. That sweet little life changing bundle is worth the work. Worth the pain. That pain just makes you even more acutely aware of what an amazing gift being a mother is. Can't wait to meet him/her. Praying it's a cake walk this time;-)