Page 21// Pandora’s Box

After trying several times to buy a house and nothing panning out, when we made the decision to rent for another year, I was excited about it. I really was.  Well, and I guess I’m still happy with that decision.  But like so many things this year, any attempt to “positive think” this situation into a better one always seems to fall short, like a Band-Aid that only sticks for a little while. We decided to stay renting for another year, and that was a smart decision. We found the housing market here to be very difficult and we were simply buying to be buying and it never felt right.  The garage was a huge source of stress for us, so we changed that.  Cluttered house = cluttered mind. We cleaned it all out so it wasn’t like a massive, looming dungeon, but more of a storage place for outside toys and bikes like it should be.  We moved all the storage to a storage unit.  It felt so good to clean it and make room.

There was a problem though.  I opened almost every single box to make sure there wasn’t things in there I wanted to be using…so many things I’d done without for a year and a half.  The problem was this: it was like Pandora’s box.  There weren’t just cheesecake pans in those boxes.  There were photo albums and old blankies and framed pictures I’d forgotten about.  Piano books with Noah’s piano teacher’s handwriting, nature findings we’d collected that were in our old school room.  In some ways I wish I’d never have opened them at that point.  Maybe if we were unpacking them to move into a home that was ours it would have been different, more like sweet old memories rather than heart jerking ones.  But like Pandora’s box, I uncovered a level of memories that I couldn’t put back inside them.  It wasn’t just pictures.  It was pictures that hung on walls and pinecones we’d collected from our trees.  Everything had a memory connected and they all banded together in front of me like a gang of misfit toys reminding me how still in limbo we were…not settled after so long of leaving those old walls.

Like I’ve said before in this journal, things will be better when they get better…and I know they will get better.  Its not a question of time, its a question of change.  Its not a wound that needs to heal, its a series of issues that need solving, then the wounds those issues have caused can begin to heal.  There is a level of positivity I have to maintain for my kids.  But here, here I can dump it all.  I can write down these things and walk away and somehow I feel lighter.  It doesn’t fix it, but it helps it.
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Thankful for today:
1. schedules
2. lists
3. order
4. piano on Pandora
5. pliés
6. a concert tonight!
7. babysitters
8. Halloween costumes are done!
9. free trials of Amazon prime…we’ll see how we like it
10. things that hold memories

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One Comment

  1. That is just what a journal is for, whether private or public. And one day, when it IS better – as hard as it may be to believe – you'll be glad to have this here. At the time I thought when we "got to the other side" I'd slam the door on all of that so firmly I'd never think about those hard years again! But as time has gone on, I know that's not true. It is a little less paiful to look back now, but mostly I get the feeling of we MADE it through! We did! Even though I worried we wouldn't.

    Your journal is YOUR place, and releasing it here is an awesome way to get on with being the mama & person you want to be. So many people are afraid to talk about the hard stuff, but how muh better I'd have felt to know there was someone else out there who got it! Love reading your heart! xo

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