This day is both happy and hard for me.
2012 will mark three major milestones: our 10 year anniversary, I am turning 30, and my guinea pig baby turns 10...today.
His birthday cannot possibly pass without thinking about his original birthday...and the heartache that preceded it. Now I see the bigger picture, but at the time I did not.
I am rereading The Purpose Driven Life for Lent.
Day 2 meant so much to me, given it was two days before this blessing's birthday.
The name of the chapter? You Were Not an Accident.
It said:
"Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature.
Your parents may not have planned you, but God did.
He was not at all surprised by your birth.
In fact, he expected it."
Noah, I did not see the reason then. But oh....oh child, if I could ever make you understand how you changed my life. I was a girl obsessed with myself. And then there was you. Oh sweet little life-changer, you.
Below is a repost from last year. I wrote this post with shaky hands, wondering if I should let the cat out of the past bag. I thought I might be judged.
I should have known better.
I know some of you are new here and some of you are not, but either way this is a big part of my story and I'd love to share it with you:
**************************************
2/27/11
I've contemplated writing this post many times.
The thing that's hung me up was fear of being judged, but I've come to the point in this blogging
life of mine where I feel like many of you are my dear friends who would never
judge me, even though we've never met face to face.
The fact that some of you are older than me, maybe even 20+ years, means nothing to me.
Mostly because I feel like I've lived a lot of life in 28.5 years.
Like for example, may baby turned 9 yesterday.
Nine is a lot. One year from 2-digits.
Past kiddie pools and easy readers, and on to bigger things, like chapter books and staying up later.
Noah's birthday always reminds me of he day he was born, which never fails to remind me of the nine-months prior.
Me-19-Pregnant-Freaked totally out....
reading the little + on that little plastic thingy at 18 years old, two months after I bid goodbye to FHS forever,
yes...that'll give you a dose of "HOLY CRAP!" like no other.
It's interesting to me to look back now on the thoughts that went through my head, but never once, not once,
did I ask "why me?" Never once was I angry at God for letting that happen to me.
I knew who God was, talked to Him occasionally when I needed something or felt like I had done something really bad, but never deeper then my needy wants.
But at that point in my life, Summer 2001, I had never needed Him more and I knew it.
I spent 9 months, basically in hiding, never wanting to chance running into someone I knew, fearing the undoubted stares and judgement that would come.
I felt ashamed and alone, even though Jarrod was with me and felt a lot of the same feelings as me, he wasn't the one with the watermelon attached to his middle section.
No fault to him, it just seems that men don't get pregnant much.
If I was going to make a mistake, I made it with the right person. Someone who never wavered,
never once thought twice about sticking around, and never had a #1 goal other than providing for
his little family.
My plans before July 3, 2001 consisted of me, living in The Cities, going to school
and becoming someone totally high-powered and awesome, travelling all over the world, laughing
at people tied down with spouses and kids.
Me. Myself. And I. The End.
February 26, 2002, my hopes and dreams took on a whole new meaning as I gazed in the face of that little
watermelon.
Up until 2:22pm on that day, I had planned on clinging to bits of shrapnel of my original dreams and carry on with some form of a career. At 2:22pm, I sent that dream packing. It flew out the window so fast, you could hear it's wings flapping.
God may just as well have attached a Post-It note to Noah's forehead, telling me:
"I created you to be a mama to this child and more of them.
I've created you for a career that doesn't require you to leave your front stoop.
Listen to me, I know what I'm talking about."
~The Big Guy
And He does know. And I listened and I've never looked back.
Ya, my 20's have been something like: me...free of make-up, sporting spit-up on both shoulders,
drinking Juicey-Juice from a sippy cup while most of my friends were enjoying their freedom and fun.
But it's ok...I have no regrets. Only life experiences that've made me a better person, better mom,
better wife. I'm hoping my past will never become an area of resentment with my kids, but will make me better
equipped to parent my kids.
If there's one thing I've learned in my 28 years, it's that God's plans are always better than mine.
I like to think I'm a planner and mostly those plans work out, but when God messes with them, they always end up so much better then I could've ever dreamed.
He must've chuckled at my vision of myself in a business suit.
"I've got something so different worked out for you, girl,
and it suits you so much better. I made you, I should know.
Duh."
Ya. I think God says duh.
So as I bid goodbye to my guinea pig baby's 8th year, those memories remind me of how much Noah saved me, shaped me, showed me who I am. Not just a mom alone, but a person that can nurture others and be comfortable in her own skin.
There's no way he'll ever realize the depth of that, but he most assuredly did.
Happy Birthday to you, my sweet life changer :)
xoxo,
{alicia}
