hi.
i've decided to be brutally honest today. when you see a post with me typing in all littles, you know it's going to be serious. it means i've got too much on my mind to bother with capital letters.
i have a lot on my mind right now, for the past 7 weeks, no wait 3 months i have.
since we moved here 7 weeks ago, jarrod has been in charlotte for 6 of them.
i. am. exhausted.
he got home last night, finally done with work there...but for some reason i don't feel better. i mean, i'm glad he's home but there's so much of the last 6 weeks that i've been blaming on his absence and i think i realized that maybe all the heaviness and stress of the last several weeks haven't been because he was gone.
besides solo parenting, there's been:
$19 library fees
being late for everything because i don't know where i'm going
walmart...enough said
busted gallons of milk on the front steps
lack of sleep
lack of exercise
lack of sleep
lack of exercise
lack of routine
lack of motivation
pushing, digging, running on my own stamina when i have none. zero.
a leaky ceiling from a broken pipe of some sort in the apartment upstairs
the gaping hole in the ceiling now to fix the leaky pipe
the gross, disgusting plumber that accompanies all these plumbing points
lack of sleep
lack of sleep
kids that take advantage of a slack routine
night time accidents five minutes after i finally get to sleep
and then again the next night
stuff that i want that's in storage in south dakota
boxes in the garage
boxes in closets
searching through boxes to get things i need. (i am refusing to unpack every little thing, only to have to pack it up again.)
icky plush white carpet that shows every crumb on it.
lack of windows in the house...there's 3. total.
not owning a house...i know renting is right for right now. i do. but it doesn't make me feel better about the situation.
going to richmond was a nice break. a much needed reprieve. but now we're back to all this. and jarrod's home now, but will that make everything improve? i don't know.
i knew he had work in charlotte before we moved, so i was prepared...or so i thought. i did the ol' rocky routine: self-pep talks, a few one-armed push ups here and there. i wanted to rise to the occasion, being twice the parent because one of us was gone and i was determined to suck it up for the whole team and have a grand ol' time with the kids and enjoy my evenings with tea and magazines. i failed miserably. there's been many days that i've cried on and off all day, simply because i am dying for normal. routine. schedule. order. and i feel like it's just gone. i come awake at night and lay in bed for hours without sleeping. last night, even though jarrod was here, it was after 2 before i fell asleep. then i can't get up early, which is so essential for me.
i don't know what i need.
should i take a sleeping pill?
should i curl up in my comforter at 10am like i feel like doing?
should i make more charts and schedules?
should i get into the fetal position and stay there till jarrod gets home?
should i hire a nanny/chef/maid?
i don't know what i need, but i feel icky and i don't like where i am emotionally.
i feel really far from the Lord, like i'm wondering if He remembers i'm here, struggling.
when i feel like this, i'm almost too ashamed to crack my bible. like it'll blow up in my hands for being so absent.
i don't mean to be a complain-y blogger. i know so many have it so worse off than me.
it's just where i'm at. and i feel like a faker if i just show you a post about my new cabinet from ikea. so, this is what you get. a deep, dark post without photos.
sorry.
i'm shutting off my phone today and unplugging the computer.
i have a house to decorate and kids to educate.
if you think of me this weekend, i could use your prayers more than anything right now.
i'm gonna enjoy my family this weekend and get our christmas tree and maybe, just maybe i'll be back monday with a more chipper outlook on life.
thank you for staying with me through this deep, dark post.
it means the world.
xo,
{alicia}
ps: my sweet friend, carissa, brought me a pumpkin scone just now...maybe things are looking up. :)
42 comments:
I will be praying for you - really. I think you need to cut yourself a bit of slack, first, just because of all the stress you've been through lately ... a move and a husband gone are huge things. Lower your expectations for yourself, allow yourself that 10 am nap(you need it!), and enjoy your family time this weekend. You will truly be in my prayers.
girl take a deep breath and for heaven's sake YES take a sleeping pill. it will help. there is nothing at all easy about moving and add a husband that is absent...compounds the stress by about 1000 percent. you will find routine. you will get this. He understands. and vent anytime you need. love you so much girl. lifting you up today!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers! I can so relate to your post and it was well written! My husband has been working overseas more than home - places like Afghanistan, Iraq and India. Places that make even communication difficult. I too am tired of trying to be both mom and dad - and few understand the toll it takes on the mom. I want you to know I understand - I really understand. You are braver than you think so don't be so hard on yourself. I too have to educate and decorate today! Psalms is my go to book when I am down. Turn your eyes upon Jesus and know he loves you! Your friend in Georgia,
Colette
Alicia, I understand every word you put into this post. I felt like you were writing almost exactly what my heart felt a few months ago. I don't have kids, but I have been feeling the same way lately. After college, I moved into a friend's house to get on my feet. My family lives in Florida, so I'm "on my own." I, too, had a hard time with the transition. Everything seemed to be more difficult, and in general, just different. I'm very much a schedule and routine person (and I see perhaps you are too) so I hated that everything was out of my control. I can also admit that I feel like I've pulled away from the Lord because of all of this-- "why aren't you here?" "why aren't you changing this situation?" "do you even love me or care about me right now?".. all questions I have asked Him. BUT I know that Lord has been teaching me so much during this time. And I know what He really wants is for me to draw close to Him. When I do that, and completely surrender MY will, He will take care of everything. He has taken care of me for 22 years, yet I still don't completely trust Him-- I don't get it! haha But anyway.. I write all of this to tell you that it's okay to feel like this. You are not alone. We all go through rough transitions-- and I can't even imagine having to do it with children! God is your strength and He will strengthen you to do what you need to do. Draw close to Him-- He wants to take care of you. I'm praying for you! I know we're only blog friends, but if you ever need to vent, you have my email :)
-Bonnie @ Revolutionaries
http://bonniegetchell.blogspot.com
dear Alicia, yes! He does see you! and you are dearly loved! i WILL be praying for you this weekend. let me know if you need anything i could do to help. for reals!
Alicia, you have to be real and let it go. And while this is an incredible public platform on which to share such feelings, I think - nay, I hope- that you will find you are not alone.
Oh, I know it feels that way. But you aren't alone, and I pray that using your blog will help you connect with others who have been where you are.
And I am one of them. I know how it feels, when you only *wish* it was "one of those DAYS" and not "one of those 3-month stints" that it seems to be. When it feels like your very breath is being sucked out of your chest by the very idea of another day needing your attention.
But we are not alone, sweet sister. I don't know how you tend to cope with stress, and I'm not here to tell you what to do ('cause Lord knows I don't have it right!). What prompted me to comment (when I only read, it seems like -it's all I have time to do!) is to scream from Virginia that you are not alone!!!
If we always keep our blogs chipper and perky-peppy poo, then after a while, we learn to be someone other than ourselves. Because life ain't always perky peppy poo....
I want to tell you to be thankful and grateful and hopeful in that amazing, grace-filled Godly way. I want to tell you to look at each moment as a gift - to shift your own paradigm.
But as for me, when things get so grudgey and low, those wonderful ideas just seem too far away. I need something I can get my weary brain around.
So I stop reading blogs that I often find myself wanting to be like -- you know what I mean, right?
And I call or email one of my closest girlfriends and seek prayer and wisdom. And and I just pray. I am not a good Pray-er, as i consider them. No one's going to ask me to lead corporate prayer at church anytime soon! But I just sit and as words come, I *try* to let them come. It's awkward, these words. To hear my voice speak these feelings that seem to be so hard to handle. And sometimes my limited vocabulary can't get it all across, but what makes me feel multitudes better is that my efforts are enough. He hears me, and i know this. He knows how I'm feeling, it's the dern effort made in telling. ADMITTING. Because, girl, there is some serious pride riding up in this body. Admit that I can't deal with another leak or spill or renegade sock that I picked up, I swannee 100 times this morning? That is the hardest dose of medicine to take, that admission. But get this -- He already knows.
And from there, I just breath. And then I am not sure. Like the days and weeks that follow birth, it's all a haze. But things clear up.
I saw on Pinterest the other day a shot/image/poster/whateveryoucallit that said:
When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.
True dat, sister. Praying with you and looking forward to that post -whenever it comes- that shares with us all that other side! You will most certainly be helping someone else join you there.
moving is hard, even when you know it is the right thing to do. We made our move to Texas just 6 months ago & Im just barely to my full happy mode. Its hard not having your friends near to love & support you when your thrown into something that is all NEW! so cut your self some slack & do what you need to do to have an okay day. If you need to curl into fetal posistion...DO IT! I used to run 8 miles when my husband would get back from work to watch our 4. & all while running Id be listening to sappy depresing music & CRYING like a weird-o. But I needed those runs/cries. You know this I am sure...but it will get better! hang in there...the dust will settle. ps: I appreciate that you spilled it all on here! Its real life:)
Trust the Lord and just KNOW it will get better and plug ahead--better stuff is gonna happen soon; though reallllly hard to stay positive; try and tell yourself "it's just temporary"--this does work! and try Melatonin 5mg sleeping pills (over the counter)--its a natural product and NOT habit forming; no after effects and you'll be asleep in no time. I take 2 when I need them and feel great the next morn. You must have rest and sleep--God Bless and good luck is with you!
Trust the Lord and just KNOW it will get better and plug ahead--better stuff is gonna happen soon; though reallllly hard to stay positive; try and tell yourself "it's just temporary"--this does work! and try Melatonin 5mg sleeping pills (over the counter)--its a natural product and NOT habit forming; no after effects and you'll be asleep in no time. I take 2 when I need them and feel great the next morn. You must have rest and sleep--God Bless and good luck is with you!
Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts from England. I think you have coped amazingly with everything you have had to do - moving so far to a completely unknown place and then not to have your husband around and children to care for and educate - that is a HUGE amount to deal with, it's no surprise you feel exhausted emotionally and physically. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't fight against how you feel, accept that life has been tough and don't expect big things. Life will become normal again, it truly will. I always feel like life goes around in circles, we have an easy ride for a while and it feels good, then bam! tough times, but you're strong, you've coped and now your husband is home you can relax a bit more. Do some fun family stuff, take some walks in that lovely beautiful countryside and you'll start to feel better. Fresh air and walks have gotta be way better than sleeping pills. You'll get through... you'll get some good karma coming your way, hold tight xx
oh, sweetie.
i'm keeping the prayer lines wide open to heaven for you.
God certainly knows how you are feeling and He would never leave you.
{but you know that}. :)
i am praying for God to blanket you with His comfort, peace, and JOY!
the devil loves to steal those things and i have to remember this constantly!
{crabby mom syndrome daily}.
if you need a nap, take one.
no guilt.
take a break from school.
in the grand scheme of your childrens life,
it won't really matter.
if you want a safe sleeping help, check Shaklee.
they have a gentle sleep complex that works awesome.
and don't apologize for feeling this way.
we all have, and you will get through it.
the grace of God will never lead you,
where the will of God cannot keep you.
much, much love to you.
xoxo
Whenever my honey is gone I turn into a crazy fool. It's okay to vent to us, it's okay to be real and cry and say that life is hard. Because it so is. We all deal with our own crap and even though it may seem little to some, it's big to us. The good news is that God doesn't love us less on lousy days and when we wear blue colored glasses. I can so relate to how you feel. Love ya girl. Praying for you and myself... Hopefully putting up our trees will bring us some cheer. : )
I will be praying for you, too. Moving is hard. It opens up all sorts of paths for satan to slide in and find our weaknesses - missing family, missing stuff, missing order, getting used to a new home/city/routine, finding new friends, finding a new church home...
It takes time to feel at home in so many ways. Much like having a new baby in the house takes adjustment - and sometimes many months of it - so does moving. Hang in there and stand firm against the ever-so-swift devil who wants to weasel his way in right now.
Trust me. I know from experience. Moving stinks sometimes, even when it's the right move. God will be faithful to you in both the big and little things, though! Hang in there!
i am praying for you right now alicia. something that i always try to remember is that psalm 23 says that we walk THROUGH the valley...and isn't is so awesome that it doesn't say IN? cuz we're coming out on the other side.
I am thinking of you, Alicia. I know how hard it can be. Whenever my husband is gone, it's fun for about the first ten minutes and then it's quite depressing. I don't sleep as well, eating dinner without him is sad, and my children begin to drive me crazy. Most of all, I worry that something is going to happen, and I won't know how to fix it.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You have had a lot to adjust to, and I think you're doing a fantastic job! Sending hugs your way...
Oh, gosh...hugs and prayer for you. Give yourself some patience...this is a tough time.
Sending you love and hugs hope you have a happier day tomorrow my friend.
Always Wendy
Alicia - I love reading your blog. Found it pretty recently. Thank you for being so.very.real! I am a foreigner in this land and I find many around me walking around with fake, fiorced smile - for the sake of being able to say "I'm great". I am not sure if this is just U.S. or what, but seems like you always need to reply with "it's all good"... even if itsn't. That is why I appreciate your post that much more. Love the "realness" of it! Thanks!
You will be in my prayers! Remember that God is always with you, even when it doesn't feel like it. Seek Him in these times. I hope you have a better weekend. Hugs!
oh girlfriend! I have been there before and it was not even in the midst of a major life change like you've just gone through.
I have to tell you, you are one of my fave bloggers that I've come across this year and I really connect with all you say and do. Would it be too weird to ask for your mailing address? I'd like to send you something {no I'm not a stalker and not trying to sell you anything!} My email addy is fourkerwins@sbcglobal.net if you want to email it to me.
As far as what you should do ... may I suggest you take the month of December off? Just put aside the books and use the time to connect with your family, get used to your surroundings and enjoy the season. The books and lessons will ALWAYS be there for those long, cold days in January. {just a thought!}
I'll be praying for you friend!!
Love in Christ, Kathy
oh man, alicia, i am sorry. i wish i could come over and get the kids for you for the day so you could sleep and feel better. i think you should do what YOU need to do...if you need to take a little homeschooling break, do it. if you need to put in a movie and go lay down, do it. as moms, we cannot do everything for everyone all the time with out getting run down, and you are going through a huge change right now and need to give yourself a break. big hugs to you!! XO
Dear Heavenly Father,
Be with Alicia this weekend as she soaks in her family.
Shower her with love, peace, comfort, and direction.
You don't give us anything more than we can handle and with that being said sometimes we feel like we have more than we can handle. Show us where to trim and how to fit it all in. Thank you for your blessings, for providing us with husbands that work so we can raise our children. Show us how to appreciate those husbands and shower them with appreciation! When our little ones seem to need more than we have to give, give us the strength to give more than they need! You are strong when we are weak...show us when to rest, play, and work! In your name we pray,
Amen.
Would spray painting something help? :) All joking aside, I admire your ability to let it all out. I'm confident you will find some comfort and see His plans at work very SOON. I read some of the comments you have gotten on this post and let me say, wow, you have some sweet prayers going up! Love it. I'm sending my hugs through thoughts! Love you!
Here is a link to an incredible article for when you feel like the Lord has looked over you or when you are just feeling overwhelmed. I keep a copy of it handy for days when I just need to know that the Lord loves me and has not forgotten me. Hope this helps :)
http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng&query=Uchtdorf+forgotten+%28name%3a%22Dieter+F.+Uchtdorf%22%29
I will be praying for you! Looks like alot of others will be too. I think its perfectly fine to be real. It is encouraging to others because they know that they are not alone! Have a great weekend with your sweet family :)
Alica,
Praying for you and sending you lots of ((hugs)). You are never alone many of us have been there before. Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
And yes take something to help you sleep! (Unisom)
I would like to have your new address sometime.
Rest in Him,
Heather Grebner
My dear friend, which I feel I can say, because aren't we all just really friends together in this motherhood deal? This is the second time I've popped into your blog...when I found you the other day, I was so delighted to have stumbled across your home on the internet. I don't always leave comments because my mind is like a bowl full of mush most days.
I do believe sleep is our barometer, sleep & routine...and when that is all out of sync life is. I don't want to be controlled by whether we are on schedule, with a clean house and we are getting sleep...but somehow it does affect me, even when I say it won't let me. I don't have any words of wisdom for you....and I can't sweep into your neck of the woods and bring you a meal and scrub your toilet...but I can tell you that your post was refreshing. It was real. It reminded me that I am not alone, here on a ranch in Alberta, with two little children and somedays so exhausted I can hardly stay awake at the table...but we are all in this together and there are ladies out there who have days like I do. And I know that tomorrow will be a new day, the sun will shine again and some point and we will carry on. I am sending you a hug!
I think talking it out is half the battle. What a brave post, and by the responses here, I can tell we have all felt this way at one time or another. Sometimes we need those tough days, those slumps, otherwise the good days wouldn't seem so wonderful. I think be honest with your children about your energy level. They'll be more understanding than you might anticipate. Sounds like you need a few hours to yourself. Maybe do hire a babysitter, even for three hours a week! So you can exercise, nap, order a chai at a local coffee shop and just sit and read a fun book or magazine. Nothing wrong with that! You'll be okay. This too shall pass. *hugs* from MN.
Hey sweet girl-I've mOved our three bambinos 12,000 miles across the globe , as you know, so I seriously know what you're going through.
Those first 3 months are truly the hardest as the things we crave the most-routine, the familiar, support...they just don't yet exist...time honey is what you need...time to find your 'new space'...your spot...then other things will grow & build from there...
Be so gentle on yourself....God knows I am in anticipation of our huge move again....
And you know-tears are good. Very good. I often tell my kids to ' put their head down & have a good cry- get it all out & you'll feel better'...
So...were all here, go slow...it's gonna take time...
Melissa. Xxx
I'm right there with you; the move, the transition, the emotions. Thank you for your honesty. I am praying that the Lord with restore to you your joy and His peace.
Claire
oh alicia, i am so sorry. you know i've had one of those tough weeks too, and it eventually brightens up. i'm praying for you! ~tiff
My sweet friend! Oh how I wish I could pop on a plane and be with you!! I could be your substitute teacher while you sleep. :) Please know that I WILL BE PRAYING! It's gonna get better and you know you CAN DO ALL THINGS with His help. I was just having a conversation with a friend the other day how I seem to always pull away from God when times get rough- WHY DO WE DO THAT? But you know sweet friend- just open up and read and pour your heart out- it will soften up. I love you sis, and my heart hurts knowing yours is hurting.
Ok, ready for your serenade? Please sing with me in your best rasta voice-
A-hem
"Everything's gonna be alright now,
everything's gonna be alright . . ."
LOVE YOU!!
Wonderful wisdom contained in all these response posts. Please take them to heart. If you were talking to someone in your position, you would be gracious and empathetic and understanding. So cut yourself some serious slack, just like you would for anyone else who was going through a huge bunch of stressful transitions.
Your kids are brilliant. They will not suffer by you taking a few weeks off from official schooling and focusing on fun crafts and books and rest that revive your soul. If you need a nap in the middle of the day, I give you permission to put on a video for the kids and go snuggle in that blanket! (Not that you need my permission, but sometimes it's nice to have someone to blame things on. :-))
Having moved a few times in my life, I'll admit that I think it takes me about 8 months before I feel "settled." Change is hard for me, but I do get through and so will you. Don't let yourself think that moving was a mistake. Don't even go there.
Another thing that helps my attitude is praise music, especially when I really don't feel like praising. I think that's when the term "sacrifice of praise" really hits home.
This time will pass. God WILL get you through it. You will find your new normal, Alicia.
I will be praying for you my friend ...
Oh, and I think you should go back and reread your post from 5/15/11. There's a lot of good stuff in there from a very wise woman!
Yikes! I don't think this is complaining at all...it is showing that you are a real person with a real life. Life is messy sometimes. I hope your husband will be around more and things will level out soon!
Okay so I get this 100% because even if life is normal and routine is intact, all it takes to rock the boat is my man leaving...
You know it's totally ok to say, "THIS SUCKS." Cause yeah... it does sometimes.
Plus, moving is just hard no matter what you know you're getting into. It's like a form of culture shock and it's just compounded with all your fAmiliar things in storage. I know this on a tiny level from last year when we were packing to move, then unpacking... nothing felt normal for months.
Maybe... just go with it... take the rest of December off and go with the lack of routine. I did that one year with homeschooling and it was the BEST thing I ever did. Life was sucking the life out of me. I needed a break and a new perspective and when we went back to it, I was ready. Just wanted to throw it out since I've been in that place and it helped me. Praying for you girly.
Oh goodness can I relate to how you are feeling dearie. I just prayed for you. Your bible won't blow up from lack of usage.....I promise. :)
Smiles to you!
p.s. You know...that maid idea was pretty good. (Wink!) :)
big hug.
Thank you for being real. open. honest. Hang in there and take each day one at a time. I will say a prayer for you tonight my friend!
~Gretchen
Lovely Alicia . . . these feelings are so so normal and they won't last forever. Thanks for sharing them.
Fondly,
Glenda
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things start looking up for you soon!
Miss you!
You're not a crazy person! You're a totally normal mommy, blogger, small business owner, wife and teacher. That's a lot of hats to wear my friend! If it's the lack of routine or the new routine that's getting you down maybe it's time to scratch your expectations and start a fresh, new "now-that-I-live-in-NC routine". It's ok to make some changes since everything else around you has changed. It's ok to vent. It's ok to go through a slump. We all do and you were brave to share your heart with us. Thank you! I've been praying for you all weekend.
January will be good for us. Let's do some strategizing together. Let's hold each other accountable and set reasonable goals for ourselves. It's going to be a sweet time.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
I care for you too. A whole lot. :)
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