February 27, 2011

dear guinea pig,

I've contemplated writing this post many times.
The thing that's hung me up was fear of being judged, but I've come to the point in this blogging
life of mine where I feel like many of you are my dear friends who would never
judge me, even though we've never met face to face.
The fact that some of you are older than me, maybe even 20+ years, means nothing to me.
Mostly because I feel like I've lived a lot of life in 28.5 years.
Like for example, may baby turned 9 yesterday.
Nine is a lot.  One year from 2-digits.
Past kiddie pools and easy readers, and on to bigger things, like chapter books and staying up later.
Noah's birthday always reminds me of he day he was born, which never fails to remind me of the nine-months prior.
Me-19-Pregnant-Freaked totally out....
reading the little + on that little plastic thingy at 18 years old, two months after I bid goodbye to FHS forever,
yes...that'll give you a dose of "HOLY CRAP!" like no other.
It's interesting to me to look back now on the thoughts that went through my head, but never once, not once,
did I ask "why me?"  Never once was I angry at God for letting that happen to me.
I knew who God was, talked to Him occasionally when I needed something or felt like I had done something really bad, but never deeper then my needy wants.
But at that point in my life, Summer 2001, I had never needed Him more and I knew it.
I spent 9 months, basically in hiding, never wanting to chance running into someone I knew, fearing the undoubted stares and judgement that would come.
I felt ashamed and alone, even though Jarrod was with me and felt a lot of the same feelings as me, he wasn't the one with the watermelon attached to his middle section.
No fault to him, it just seems that men don't get pregnant much.
If I was going to make a mistake, I made it with the right person.  Someone who never wavered,
never once thought twice about sticking around, and never had a #1 goal other than providing for
his little family.
My plans before July 3, 2001 consisted of me, living in The Cities, going to school
and becoming someone totally high-powered and awesome, travelling all over the world, laughing
at people tied down with spouses and kids.
Me. Myself. And I.  The End.

February 26, 2002, my hopes and dreams took on a whole new meaning as I gazed in the face of that little
Up until 2:22pm on that day, I had planned on clinging to bits of shrapnel of my original dreams and carry on with some form of a career.  At 2:22pm, I sent that dream packing.  It flew out the window so fast, you could hear it's wings flapping. 
God may just as well have attached a Post-It note to Noah's forehead, telling me:
"I created you to be a mama to this child and more of them.
I've created you for a career that doesn't require you to leave your front stoop.
Listen to me, I know what I'm talking about."
~The Big Guy
And He does know.  And I listened and I've never looked back.
Ya, my 20's have been something like: me...free of make-up, sporting spit-up on both shoulders,
drinking Juicey-Juice from a sippy cup while most of my friends were enjoying their freedom and fun.
But it's ok...I have no regrets.  Only life experiences that've made me a better person, better mom,
better wife.  I'm hoping my past will never become an area of resentment with my kids, but will make me better
equipped to parent my kids.
If there's one thing I've learned in my 28 years, it's that God's plans are always better than mine.
I like to think I'm a planner and mostly those plans work out, but when God messes with them, they always end up so much better then I could've ever dreamed.
He must've chuckled at my vision of myself in a business suit.
"I've got something so different worked out for you, girl,
and it suits you so much better.  I made you, I should know.

Ya.  I think God says duh.
So as I bid goodbye to my guinea pig baby's 8th year, those memories remind me of how much Noah saved me, shaped me, showed me who I am.  Not just a mom alone, but a person that can nurture others and be comfortable in her own skin.
There's no way he'll ever realize the depth of that, but he most assuredly did.

Happy Birthday to you, my sweet life changer :)


PS: i really am sorry for the tease-fest last post, i will tell you more soon.
but i can eliminate one possibility, i am NOT pregnant :)


Jessica said...

A wonderful Post.Thankyou for sharing. I was 19 when I fell pregnant with my eldest too (she is 11 now) and only just 20 when she was born.Being a young mum is no different then an older mum really...it just is.People make mistakes, try again, make a few more (we call miss Hibiscus a guinea pig too!)Being a mum is the greatest gift.One worth giving up a few dreams in order to realise greater ones.Hugs

Deborah said...

I loved this Alicia ...and he is beautiful!!
Your honesty is so refreshing dear...
You are so right..God certainly has a plan for you, for all of you.
So great that you're willing to dive into His perfect plan.
Love your sweet photos!

In His love,
Deborah xo

Laura Melius said...

I've always admired you for the loving choice you made. Many other young mothers could benefit from hearing about your experience, I'm sure!
So, no judging here--just admiration for a great mom who follows God's plan wherever it leads!

CurlyGirly said...

oh alicia,

that was such a nice post. i too found myself pregnant at 19, married at 20 and then had two more kids. my 20's were just the same as you! but, like you, i wouldn't trade it for anything!!


Thank you for this beautiful post of how God used your son in your life. Age nine - a favorite of mine. Happy Birthday.


P.S. Keep the guinea pigs coming. We are all flawed.

Kayla said...

I remember going to see Noah when he was born! You are a great mom with a great family!

Tricia - A Rosy Note said...

What a beautiful post Alicia. God certainly had a plan for you, one bigger than your own and look how well everything turned out. Your son is adorable. My boy just turned ten. I can't believe it, double digits :(

Susie said...

Beautiful post Alicia, and what a great mom you are to your little guinea pig baby - Happy Birthday Noah :-)

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

SO glad you took the time to share this... what an amazing story you have been blessed with. And yes... kids do change our life no matter what age we are when we have them, or whatever plans we have for the future... gotta love em.

Anonymous said...

your post gave me tears.(good ones) i truly admire your beauty both inside & out.And yes, God has the most awesome of plans! luv u

Nicole said...

I love the part about God having a different suit for you, isn't that the case for most of us? Thanks for opening up and being truthful, we all have our fair share of "mistakes" but God is able to use them to make us stronger if we are willing to listen. Love being blogging friends!

Elizabeth said...

Hey Alicia, Thanks for commenting on my blog today. I thought I'd pay yours a visit too, and what a pleasant surprise it's been. Things around your home look fun and happy. I loved your project room redo.

Tiffini said...

yes..it is funny the plans we have for ourselves that God totally changes and yes..I've often thought he might say duh:)
I loved your post. I was a momma at 17 and have spent the last 25 years of my life raising children. Here is something else to chew on..wait until Noah is taller than you and you are looking up at him. it is wow! a son is so special...enjoy every moment of it. and i am so glad to meet you and that you shared today. I love meeting new word women;)

Between You and Me said...

over from house of belonging....LOVE your story...love your boy's story....if God brought him into this world being a life changer, then that won't probably be the last time he sits in that role....

what a blessing......

Our god-daughter was born in very similar circumstances....and she's been a life changer, too. She will be 17 this coming summer....where has the time gone?

you are wise for your 28 years...raising babies will do that. :)

good to meet you...i'm a new follower.....and glad to be!

CraftyMama said...

I love this post. You had some tough decisions to make, but God always works things out so wonderfully. :) Thanks for sharing your story!!

alison said...

what a sweet reminder of the grace of our heavenly Father who worked out His plan in your family...my oldest is a noah too and i certainly can't imagine our lives without him...thanks for sharing such a personal and encouraging piece of your history.

Desi @ Wee Share said...

I was just sitting here enjoying some quiet time before my family got up this morning and I found your blog. I just love your honesty and your open and beautiful look at life. Thanks for starting my day off well... I'll be back to visit again :)


Sew Country Chick said...

You were so wise to make the right decision at such a young age. The same thing happened to me at that age and I made the wrong choice and have to live with that forever. But God is forgiving. You are truly blessed! Love your blog girl!

The Renwicks said...

Im SO SO glad you posted this. What an encouragement Al. I have really really missed you lady, and Im so so happy to be back. x

The Renwicks said...

Im SO SO glad you posted this. What an encouragement Al. I have really really missed you lady, and Im so so happy to be back. x

Mary said...

love this.

One plus One equals Six said...

Thank you for posting this. I carried guilt for many years after becoming pregnant out of wedlock. My man never once faltered either, but I did. Like you, I fancied my future as a globe-trotter, career lady, and definitely without kids. I will never forget seeing her for the first time via ultrasound, and instantly loving her. My husband and I have followed with three more sweet babies, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything. My husband and I joke about growing up with our kids. The Lord is so faithful, and I am so grateful that He used my sin to put me on the path He had all along. Truly, in ALL things give thanks.

Denise said...

lovely post.

i have a noah, too. he made me a mommy. he's 14 and still has me swooning over him.

noah means "rest, peace, not broken, made whole." such a FITTING name for our boys. And God has also used my noah to shape and grow me.

Rachel in Ireland said...

This is such a lovely post. Your little family is so cute. I am glad to say I managed to get through my childless early twenties without sporting a hangover three days of the week. I guess success comes in many forms?

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